These Walls.

It's hard to forget him.

It's hard to forget the color of his eyes, and the softness of his lips, the weirdness of him altogether that I so deeply once admired.

And looking into the depths of my heart, one may find, all these things, I still admire about him.

Because I'd always put up these walls- tall and strong, refusing to let anyone through my tough exterior and into my vulnerable, damaged self.

But he did. He got through. With his soothing words and calming glances, he melted me.

And now he's gone. He's gone and taken away the piece of me that was finally understood.

And suddenly, I feel trapped again. Like I'm drowning, struggling for the littlest of air,craving the open.

And I can't get it out of my head, that I let him slip away.

Sure, I can live without him, but that wouldn't be much of a life now, would it?

It had taken a lot, and even more for me to let him in and see who I truly was.

Why I did so, you ask? Because every other person had turned, to hurt me and break me.

And I didn't wanna be toyed around with and broken anymore. So I pushed him away.

But as my heart beat, I pulled him back almost instantly, dying to be heard, seen and understood.

I desperately needed someone who would hold me and say 'it'll be okay', even if that was a lie.

So, when everyone asks me why, just why I can't let go, what do you suggest I say?

Do I let them in to my vulnerable side, let them hurt me again? So they can leave just like he did?

Do I let them wrap their arms around my neck and strangle me as I'm already gasping for air, holding on for dear life?

Do you now see what the walls that I put up are made of?

Never Know.

But how will he ever know, now?
He won't.
He won't know how much I loved him.
No, how much I love him.

He'll never know what it was like on the seemingly immature side of the relationship.
I wonder if he felt the same way: this wasn't just a relationship, it was a bond.
But he'll never know that's how I felt.

"Don't," they said. "He treats you like shit."
"He doesn't see," they said.
"But how," I reasonably questioned. "How can I ever stop loving him?"
"Why not?" They asked.
But he'll never know the warmth and the love and the peace that washed over me as I simply explained:
"Because, I fell into this endless abyss that is him, and I'm too far in it, too far to ever get out of it."

He'll never know of this love, so strong and so alluring, unless he felt the same way.

I hope he did.
I hope he still does.