I am not a very regular blogger, since I often have no idea what I should blog about.
Since no one reads this crap anyways, I thought hey, what the hell? Let me just blog about my butt loads of problem because really what have I to lose anymore?
So, this is pretty much gonna be me whining about my problems maybe not I'm just writing right now.
I am not strong. I would like to believe that I am, but I'm honestly just not. I'm a coward.
I have started cutting myself again and it's 9.30 pm right now, I have been in bed since like 9 in the morning, and all I have done is watched 'Adult World', that's a movie, and four episodes of American Horror Story, had real shit conversations with friends and all through this I was bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason.
Maybe it's because I returned from my dad's yesterday. I won't see him for another five months.
And after those five months I might permanently move to the city he lives in. And leave all my friends, dreams, everything behind.
I haven't spoken to any of my friends in like, two weeks. The only people I have met and spoken to in the past two weeks are: my mum, my dad, my stepmom, my grandparents, cousins(like that counts), and my uncle.
I had breakfast this morning- half of the pizza that was leftover from last night. I had milk after that. I had no lunch. I drank seven bottles of water, puked twice. I haven't had dinner yet. I'm sitting in my room, watching some shit movies and crying.
I look around, and honestly, everything hurts. I have no idea why I'm hurting this much.
And my friends? Hell, feels like no one cares. No one probably does, anyways. And no one understands what I'm going through?
Honestly, I feel like a shit person surrounded by shit and shit people in a complete shit world.
And to say that, would be an understatement.
And my views on love? It doesn't exist. It just doesn't. So wake up and move on, stop holding onto shit that doesn't matter. And people that don't deserve your love.
Music is the only thing I still love, and my books. And of course my mother.
Everything else can seriously go to hell man. I will personally send them to hell and watch them burn and then laugh in their faces as their skin burns and boils and crumbles layer by layer.
Not literally of course. So chill you don't need to call the cops.
Last night, hell til noon, I was a clean slate. Literally, no cuts on my arms.
And now? Man, it honestly looks like some bizarre symbol that I've cut.
It's funny how loneliness can change a person.
I have made the mistake of thinking loneliness was depression. Well, now I know what depression really is.
I don't feel like going out to have dinner, even though I'm starving. I only get out to pee.
I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. And never wake up.
I know. Messed up, right?
Well, basically, if anyone else is going through this shit- you can always talk to me. I understand if you are going through this.
